The First Fake Boyfriend

So...I was going to start off with another self-criticism.  Damn!  But no, I'm trying to cut myself a little slack.  Even though I've missed now, well let's just ignore that one and go with several days.  Man, I've really screwed up this first week.  In fact I probably wouldn't even be writing this now except that it's on notepad and I'll be transferring it later.  So I need to buy a notebook.  Check mark for tomorrow. 

It's not that I'm not hot for my computer.  I am.  It's just that the last three days have had me in the grips of fear as I prepare to go back to the West Coast.  I am always leaving all situations with the sneaking suspicion I could have done more with my time, experienced more, saw more, done more...written more.  Got more done on my thesis.  But I can't change the past right?  I can only look ahead.  Ok.  Breathing now.  Breathing.

So...I guess it's back to the what do I want out of life bit...and the who am I bit.  Those bits.  Which really feel more like mountains than bits.  Bits sounds a bit like a tiny cracker I grabbed as a snack while utilizing it as a poorly thought out substitute for a nutritious meal.  Ok, that bit I just typed fresh.

Last weekend at the show I sat through the most uncomfortable "team" meeting.  Even though it was in a foreign language (did I mention the theatre I work for is Greek?) I could still feel the tension.  People were standing, yelling, interrupting, slapping the chairs in front of themselves for emphasis and to take out frustration.  Actually, come to think of it...I guess this team meeting wasn't really all that out of character.  Just more uncomfortable.

I think there should be more openness in the world.  Now of course I say this with a grain of salt and total hypocrisy.  I don't like hurting people or starting fights or putting people down.  I'm all for positivity and support and the good of mankind and all that jazz.  I think it's on the individual levels where I get a little fucked up.  I wish I was a better person.  I think we probably all do (or I hope we all do and it's not just me and my neurosis, although we do make a cute couple),  But what about those fibs that are to protect people?  It may not be my proudest admission, but I am a really good liar.  (This is where the obligitory "especially to myself bit" goes).  For example:

In the past two months I've had two fake boyfriends.  The first was to get rid of a boy (not my boy, a friend's roommate) and the other was to get rid of a girl (again, not mine).  Let me just preface this by saying that neither of these situations was my idea, just trying to help out a couple of friends.  But along with that, the sneaking suspicion that my two friends wouldn't have propositioned me with the ideas in the first place if they hadn't sensed a certain amount of moral flexability is palbable.  Or daunting.  Or both.

The first (fake) relationship came from a place of necessity.  A few days (or hours, depending on who's version of the story you believe, I say days, he says hours) after I arrived in New York City, I was informed by the guys I'm staying with that over the holidays there will be additional visitors.  Now of course, it's their house, so that's fine.  I just feel like maybe this information would have been helpful before I flew myself all the way across the country to share a one bathroom apartment that would soon have six people in it.  The apartment itself is technically a one-bedroom, with the rightful livingroom used as the second bedroom and the porch transformed into a living room.  Ahh, nyc living!  So two people equals workable, the three of us is cozy, and six is just the most rediculous thing I've ever heard of.  Being the resourceful gal I am I called a friend who had previously offered me a place to crash and got this response in an email, "Your timing may be most ideal. I'll explain in more detail later."  Cryptic right?  But it turns out he had a friend staying who wasn't the most ideal houseguest, and was trying to get him out.  In order to do this he had previously told the guest he was starting to see someone and they would probably be staying over soon, maybe even moving in.  And into the picutre I come!  Awesome.  Actually it was fun to stay there.  Not the weird other guest thing, but this guy is one of my favorite people to dork around with.  Apparently we were really convincing.  We stayed up giggling the first night and it sounded suspiciously like "sex noises" and the guy was gone by the next day, and I moved to the futon.