A new life

I've been back in Newport for four months now and well, a lot has happened. For awhile I seemed to lose track of what was important, focusing instead on what has been important and trying to change things that up until now seemed to be fixable. But instead I have discovered that my priorities have become skewed and I have lost sight of myself. It's a weird and particularly sobering feeling to discover the person you thought you were has changed, and the person you thought you were becoming, indeed the person you were on your way to and incredibly hopeful of becoming is no where near what has actually happened. I have become dependent on another person's drama. Fixing their life, and the hope of fixing mine through that process, has become central. Or at least had. But a few weeks ago I realized I reached a breaking point. A real breaking point, a moment where I felt beaten, broken and lost. I have been living in a repetitive cycle akin to a hamster's wheel, constantly revolving and running, feeling exhausted as if I had just completed an impressive marathon but looking up to realize that what I saw behind me was only the starting line and what was in front of me was 26 miles of mountainous terrain filled with daunting crevasses and boulders. So I had two choices, to keep running as is, maintaining the status quo and ignoring the the fact that the definition of insanity is to expect different results while performing the same actions. Or to stop. Just take a breath. I don't know what exactly was different this time, but I made the difficult albeit correct decision. Afterwards, well, it was weird, but as I drove to work I actually felt a physical reaction where my body relaxed and it was if I took my first deep breath in many months.

Speaking of work. I never thought I would say this, but thank god I got fired. And actually, I didn't actually get fired, I was transferred to another location against my will, but it ended up being one of those fortuitous events that totally suck, but end up being the best thing for me. It's like that line from "You've Got Mail?"..."Everyone is always saying change is a good thing, but what they're really saying is something you really didn't want to happen at all has now happened." But maybe, just maybe, at least for me this time, while the things I've been avoiding happening have now happened, and there is definitely a lot of pain, the results and benefits out way the cons. At least it's already starting to feel that way. I'm scared, exhilarated, and finally, for the first time in a long time, focusing on me and getting more accomplished than ever...including my time in NY. The only person who can make my life different or better or anything at all is me. That focus is my current plan, and I have to say...it feels awesome.