The elimination of Afterlife

I've finally narrowed it down to two topics. Yeah! Baby steps, but I also just made a giant leap of faith by telling my professor I'll have a first draft of my proposal ready in two weeks! Ack! What was I thinking! Especially now that I've taken on the extra task of painting a set in the same amount of time. I suppose I should just say goodbye to sleeping now, especially seeing that I'm turning thirty in eight days, so next weekend is pretty much full. But I'm vowing to become one of those crazy working machines. A robot of sorts if you will! Has anyone out there ever accomplished this? I'm having faith that I can accomplish this without the addition of a crack problem into my life. We'll just have to see. Good luck to everyone out there who is also trying to figure out life and working towards their goals. Let's get to work!

task one done

Email sent! I am now vacillating between breathing, and freaking out...Now to contact the other two mentors from the college. Still feeling like a dork. Ugh.

Urg...

Sending the professor email about thesis topic changing is freaking me out. So I'm posting about it instead while I work up the courage. To pseudo-quote Alice in Wonderland, why do I give very good advice but very seldom follow it? Well, I guess if I want to succeed and not be a hypocrite, I'd better get on this.

Starting it off...Finally.

Day six into the new year's resolution. Some things are going well, some are well...still at a bit of standstill. For instance the daily updates are once again in the new year, as they were last year, now six days behind. A wise person once told me the definition of insanity is expecting different results when we enact the same behaviors. I think there is something to be said for the anxiety I feel that can be somewhat debilitating. There is a weird fear of failure. I know in my honest and forthright thoughts if I continue down the path of procrastination and fear, nothing will change, and will in fact, probably get worse. But by making the actions I need to succeed there is still the chance of failure. So I am left with what in no way should be a dilemma, either way the worst could happen, but at least in one direction there is the opportunity of growth, happiness and successful contentment. So it seems silly and absolutely, well, stupid to not at least give it a try. I tell my students every day they can do this! They can succeed! But I get anxious, lose my breath (and not in the good way!) and find myself paralyzed with fear. Ack! What a terrible feeling. And I know I'm not the only one who's realized and experienced this moment. There are lots of people out there who for one reason or another stay stuck in ruts. Blame the economy, blame the family, blame the world. But really, none of those are to blame. We are. I am. So here's to day one of a journey that could take us to great places or knock us flat on our asses. The old joke, "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at at time." Is my new motto. And "Positive Outcomes Only!" which I'm stealing from a new guilty factor tv show (because a girl's gotta have her vices), are my new mottos. I would even have the acronim for the latter inked on my body if it didn't mean I'd be walking around with the letters P.O.O. on my skin. So here are today's projects;
1.Contact the IRS and figure out the forms I'm supposed to be filling out.
2.Read Jobs vs. Careers.
3.Upload the rest of the pics for my website (including photographing and editing the old portfolio)
4.E-mailing profs to figure out what I need to do to get moving forward on the thesis.
5.Get list together of dissertations/thesis to read at UO next week.
6.Budget!
7.Go Running.
8.Tomorrow's to do list!
8.Make fabulous dinner for me and the bf.
9.Breathe! One day at a time kids, one day at a time :)
10.Figure out when to get hair done, because I think I was doing better as a blonde :)

New Year's Resolutions

Post everyday.
Get that website up and running!
Work on my portfolio.
Email Hunter.
Finish Thesis!!!! (This should be first). No wait, it IS first!
Career on track.
Exercise everyday.
Take my vitamins.
Drink more H20.
Breathing.
Decide about Law School.
Connect with old friends :)
Stop biting nails, even during football games.
Make turning thirty a joyous occasion full of success, hope and promise!

A new life

I've been back in Newport for four months now and well, a lot has happened. For awhile I seemed to lose track of what was important, focusing instead on what has been important and trying to change things that up until now seemed to be fixable. But instead I have discovered that my priorities have become skewed and I have lost sight of myself. It's a weird and particularly sobering feeling to discover the person you thought you were has changed, and the person you thought you were becoming, indeed the person you were on your way to and incredibly hopeful of becoming is no where near what has actually happened. I have become dependent on another person's drama. Fixing their life, and the hope of fixing mine through that process, has become central. Or at least had. But a few weeks ago I realized I reached a breaking point. A real breaking point, a moment where I felt beaten, broken and lost. I have been living in a repetitive cycle akin to a hamster's wheel, constantly revolving and running, feeling exhausted as if I had just completed an impressive marathon but looking up to realize that what I saw behind me was only the starting line and what was in front of me was 26 miles of mountainous terrain filled with daunting crevasses and boulders. So I had two choices, to keep running as is, maintaining the status quo and ignoring the the fact that the definition of insanity is to expect different results while performing the same actions. Or to stop. Just take a breath. I don't know what exactly was different this time, but I made the difficult albeit correct decision. Afterwards, well, it was weird, but as I drove to work I actually felt a physical reaction where my body relaxed and it was if I took my first deep breath in many months.

Speaking of work. I never thought I would say this, but thank god I got fired. And actually, I didn't actually get fired, I was transferred to another location against my will, but it ended up being one of those fortuitous events that totally suck, but end up being the best thing for me. It's like that line from "You've Got Mail?"..."Everyone is always saying change is a good thing, but what they're really saying is something you really didn't want to happen at all has now happened." But maybe, just maybe, at least for me this time, while the things I've been avoiding happening have now happened, and there is definitely a lot of pain, the results and benefits out way the cons. At least it's already starting to feel that way. I'm scared, exhilarated, and finally, for the first time in a long time, focusing on me and getting more accomplished than ever...including my time in NY. The only person who can make my life different or better or anything at all is me. That focus is my current plan, and I have to say...it feels awesome.

Past posts, because I am working on it.

So here it goes everyone...Obviously I did not write "more tomorrow," nor did I keep to my everyday promise to myself and the world at large. But here at least are two entries from the past that were scratched out on notepads and airlines. Although not directly on the airplane, because I think United would have objected and qualified my musings as graffiti. Or not, post-modern art maybe? Either way, again, trying to do better. After all, my favorite quote of all time is from Samuel Beckett...

No matter, try again.
Fail again. Fail Better.

Post written from my west coast bound cross country United flight on January 19, 2010. Or at least one of the three legs:

I am currently on a flight from Chicago to San Francisco. Being in the time of my life where I can afford a plane ticket, but yet can’t (at least not consistently) afford the six extra inches of leg room the seat directly in front of me possesses I find at least a little comfort in the fact the online movie is something that not only have I not seen before, but is something I was actually hoping to eventually see. Granted, the screen it’s playing on seems to be the size of a cd case and is approximately six rows in front of me, but I guess I’ll take what I can get.

Heading back to the West Coast. It’s strange to look at my clock and see the time as 7:12pm. Especially when my body is definitely telling me it’s 10:12pm. Not that I would normally be going to sleep now, on the contrary, I don’t think I’ve gone to bed earlier than midnight in several years, obviously excluding naps. I love sleeping, but I suppose I should probably join that new facebook group “I don’t get enough sleep because I stay up late for no reason.” Because seriously, how much Poker After Dark does one actually need?

My biggest fear heading back to the West Coast is falling back into old habits. I’m not heading directly back to Newport, taking a quick fam-damily stop over in the valley to sort through some stuff with my mother. Mostly, she’s quite rightly insisting I call the student loan people and correct the mishap which has left them automatically withdrawing my monthly payment from her account instead of mine and me constantly having to go to the bank to then transfer that money back into her account from mine. Why I haven’t done this yet, when really it’s just creating a headache for all involved is beyond me. Sometimes I procrastinate on the stupidest things. But I want to really really really turn over a new leaf. Getting up early, being productive, exercising, finding work, writing, finishing the masters. Taking the LSAT? That’s maybe on the list. You know, I think I’m going to study and take it either way. Because then it’s done, and I don’t have to stress about it if and when I do decided to go to law school. So there’s all that. But that’s going to take up a good deal of time. Which is good, I tend to function much better when I’m really busy. But what about the rest of it? Life that is. Well, surfing and sailing are seasonally soon, and definitely priorities. So I’ll make time.  But I feel like, especially with my 29th birthday looming on the horizon, this is my time. I actually want to focus on my career, become a workaholic and create something awesome. And that’s what I plan on doing. Totally.

Post written on a note pad while sitting in a restaurant in Newport, Or on February 11, 2010:

And I’m back in the game! Crossing the country tends to do this to me, create a sense of re-imagining, or better put, of re-adjusting. Finding my bearing in an all to recognizable yet strangely unfamiliar landscape takes a couple of turns. I’m always ripe with distractions. But is writing everyday too daunting of a task?

Maybe. (side note from February 21, probably as I’m just now getting around to typing this up. I’m working on it people!) But I suspect my unwillingness or incapability to keep a promise to myself lies more in my fears about not what I might find (although there are some inner demons I’ve definitely been ignoring), but rather the idiotic and unspoken, almost unacknowledged but never un-thought, idea that not becoming a bigger and better version of myself allows me to fail myself first. Isn’t that always easier?

Maybe not smarter or even logical in the least…but easier it always is. The old adage of being your own worst critic has always held true for me. Nelson Mandela’s coinage of (and I am ad-libbing here), “Who are we not to be [great]?” holds true and even stirs something within me to critique myself further. Self-sabotage becomes a trusted friend, a confidant who is steady, steadfast and unchanging. Something to hold onto and something to count on has me clinging to its familiarity. I cherish my fuck ups because they give me something to better. I push away people I need and love to keep my own greatness at bay. This sucks. But maybe the acknowledgment is the first step. Anyways, here’s hoping…